breath-taking blue

October 5, 2008

It’s beautiful weather here, crisp fall mornings and warm, clear days with sparkling-blue skies; breath-taking blue. It’s exactly the same kind of fall we had 7 years ago–when I was first diagnosed. I remember thinking God was allowing a perfect fall, knowing I couldn’t handle one more discouraging thing, even a rainy fall. And this beautiful fall is the same as it was seven years ago.

Oct 5th, 2001 was my first surgery, a wedge resection of my right lung. It was both my worst, lowest day and the best day. It was both the day I felt resigned that I would die soon, and later, the day that my hope was restored once again. Both extreme feelings came from simple sentences. The first was immediately after surgery, when Dr. Ninan said, “I’m sorry, the cancer is in both lungs. I can’t do anything more to help you.” The second was the same day hours later, when Dr. Ninan called back and said, “I’ve been thinking about your case, and if you still want me to do your surgery I will help you.” The first taking away hope; the second giving hope. I’ve thought time and again what would have happened had he not given me that chance.

On Oct 12, 2001, I lost the lower lobe of my left lung–but most importantly, I lost an 8 cm tumor that threatened to take my life. And I was given the chance to fight. And my daughters played in an outdoor orchestra concert that night, Emily on cello and Aly on violin. Misti, their sitter, took them and it rained that night.

I’ve been reflecting a lot lately. I suppose it’s because it’s close to an anniversary. And this fall reminds me so much of the same kind of fall we had that first year. I find the clarity of some of my memories somewhat odd. Why did I notice some of the things I did at that time? I remember sounds, smells, the feel of the air. I remember standing on my deck, watching the leaves fall and the images are still as fresh in my mind as if it happened yesterday. Maybe it’s because I often wondered if I would see another fall, or would this be the last? Maybe I was storing memories.

I remember finding something every day to think positive and be thankful for. That fall, and it’s breath-taking blue skies was on my list often.