Cancer Season
October 24, 2008
The weather is beginning to change here. It’s raining and turning cool. The nights are taking over the daytime. The last couple of weeks have been beautiful….. clear blue skies with little humidity, warm sunny days and cooler nights. Now it’s grey, wet and just a bit too cool. WInter is coming; with it comes the dead tree look.
There was a time I loved the fall season. Somehow, it used to feel cozy. I liked the secure feeling of drawing in close to home, simmering soup on the stove, and having my kids in the house. It doesn’t feel that way to me anymore. Not since cancer.
It seems that most of my ‘bad’ cancer news comes in the fall. I was diagnosed first in the fall, I’ve had 4 of the 5 lung surgeries inbetween October and Christmas. Started chemo in winter time. I found out last year in November that cancer was again active in my left upper lobe– that was the year I couldn’t face decorating or even shopping for Christmas–instead I painted the house and tried to think about what I should do for a new cancer treatment.
So, when the outside becomes dark and dreary so does my physical and emotional state. They are somehow intertwined and insync. My logical brain tells me it’s just association, However, I truly feel physically worse during this kind of fall weather. I felt it even in the night, before I was aware it had begun to rain. I woke up several times, feeling like I couldn’t breathe, my chest hurting, pressure throughout and like I couldn’t pull in enough oxygen. I would wake up smothering. When the sun did shine light on morning, I knew then why my night had been so difficult.
I wonder how is it possible that just rain and dark dreary days can increase my pain, make my chest so heavy and me feel so short of breath. But it does happen, time and time again. When it’s grey, rainy, and the air is heavy and it’s more difficult to breathe, my chest aches and my confidence that any of this will end is no where in sight. It reminds me of what has happened in the past and I fear what the future holds.
It truly feel like cancer season.