Lung Cancer Foundation of America » Blog Archive

Christmas Decorations

December 8, 2008

This weekend we put up our Christmas Tree. It took most the day to bring down the decorations from the attic, unpack them, then assemble and decorate the tree. I still don’t have all the boxes put back away, making the house look jumbled and out of sorts.

Last year, we didn’t decorate–I had just found out the lung cancer was growing again and I trying to make a decision about a new treatment. Instead of focusing on Christmas activities I painted my house keeping to myself and thinking. We still celebrated Christmas, we just didn’t decorate. This year, I don’t have to think about cancer or any new treatments. I can think about whatever I want to think about.

But the cancer is still ever present. My daughter made a comment that she really didn’t care about decorating or doing anything for Christmas anymore. She went on to say that when she was younger Christmas was fun and excited, and then added, “but then you got cancer, and after that you were always dealing with cancer at Christmas”.

The comment caught me a little off guard, however, it’s true. The first year I was diagnosed in 2001 we thought it would be the last Christmas we were together. I was recovering from 2 major lung surgeries and facing chemo, dealing with a very poor prognosis. Christmas was completely overshadowed by the uncertainty we were facing. The next year, in 2002 I had a surgery just a week before Christmas and had been on chemo almost the entire year leaving me tired and weak. Another year, I had another lung surgery within the week of Christmas and came home with chest tubes in place just to be home with my family for Christmas. It was awful- for everybody. Then last year, we were dealing with one more recurrence and although I delayed any treatment until after Christmas while I tried to decide the best option, cancer was still the centerpiece. Shopping was difficult. I couldn’t focus. I went to sleep thinking about treatment options and woke up with the same thoughts as when I drifted off.

There was one year where I was so distracted, I bought and wrapped the same presents twice. It wasn’t until my daughters unwrapped duplicate presents that I realized how distracted I truly had become. We all laughed and made comments about chemo brain. Whatever we call it, “it” is a result of cancer.

So for nearly half her life, Aly has equated Christmas with cancer. And that is my fault. I should have never let cancer take that much from us. It is giving too much power to cancer. Even when we are not in the mists of a new recurrence, new surgery, new treatment, cancer is still present. And I hate that because I don’t know how to change it. I simply don’t know how.

Maybe it’s time for some new traditions.

Tonya White

Lori, it's been a very long time since I have seen you. I have had you on my mind the last several days so I got online to find your blog. I hope you are still enjoying your house. I was with you when you purchased it, (as your realtor). I wanted to ask if I could have someone very close to me perhaps get in touch with you. She has been diagnosed with lung cancer and has had a surgery to remove part of her lung. I was telling her about you and how much of an inspiration you have always been to me. For the first time in quite some time, she sounded excited and even hopeful. I dont mean to burden you with anything and if it isn't ok, I will understand. I hope that you will be able to start some new Christmas traditions this year and be able to enjoy and love each other and know that you and your girls touch lives everyday and are helping others more than you can ever know. Tonya White

Anonymous

In your last paragraph of your very good message you made a mistake.....when you said, "And that is my fault".

Cancer doesn't care what time of year it attacks, and you have no choice. To completely ignore it and behave in a false 'holiday cheer' mode would quickly be detected by your nearly adult daughters. You have always put their needs first, all the while enduring the terrors of cancer.

Don't beat yourself up over what you can't control. The fact is that you have been heroic through all of it, and a great encouragement to others who are now affected by it.