Winter Time Blues

December 29, 2008

It’s been a long time since I’ve wrote. The truth is I’m having a difficult time writing. I’ve tried several times. And just haven’t been able to. I think it’s reflective of my mood and life at this time. Winter time is very hard for me. I do less and less, yet feel more and more overwhelmed.

I never had a problem with depression or feeling sorry for myself before cancer. But I’ve sure had trouble the last several years, especially in the winter. I think the cold with the short days and long nights added with the dead-tree look fuels it for me.

I’ve tried all the well-meaning advice. Start new traditions, surround yourself with friends and loved ones, go somewhere new, exercise, give yourself some time, talk to someone, take medication. And some of it does help- at the moment; some of it doesn’t help at all. End the end it is what it is: sadness.

I think everybody with cancer feels some sadness, at least part of the time. Why wouldn’t we? Our lives have been turned up side down; we constantly live under the threat of attack or when the next cancer bomb will hit. If we are not currently fighting a new, active cancer we are waiting for the next round, knowing it’s lurking in the shadows.

Everything about my life has changed since cancer. I’m divorced and alone now, I live in a different house, I don’t even have the same pets, my job has changed, and then changed again and modified to be what I can tolerate. I can’t breathe well, I’m breathless, I’m in constant pain. I am un-insurable. Not that I need different insurance- I just don’t like the term. And the biggest change is I don’t make plans.

Which boils down to I am future-less. And that is the hardest to accept.