Choices

January 25, 2009

OK, lets be honest.

I hate winter and everything about it. I hate the bitter coldness, the isolation, the ‘dead tree’ look, the darkness, the boredom, heavy coats, the depression that hits me at this time of year, worse with each passing year. It is something I start to dread with the first frost.

I never used to be this way. As much as I hate winter, I love snow. I love the way snow outlines the trees and rooftops. I love a cozy fireplace and Colorado in the winter time. So, why do I hate the winter season here? When did this begin? It started after I was diagnosed with lung cancer. I believe it is because all of my ‘cancer stuff’ happened during this season–bad news, even worse news, multiple surgeries, chemotherapy, and RFA, year after year. Even our move happened during this time. So maybe it’s just a feeling of “association”. I now associate traumatic events with winter-time.

However, I am going to make a choice not to let this sinking winter blues feeling swallow me up. I am making a decision to find a way to get out of this pit; to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. I have wasted enough time and I choose to stop feeling sorry for myself. I feel like a lot of this sadness is a sense of fear and feeling sorry for myself.

So, today, I choose for myself to be grateful, to be happy, to be thankful. And for today I will push any thoughts that bring on sadness or winter-time blues.

It’s all about choices, and today I choose happiness. Even if I have to pretend at first.