Sleepless Nights

March 18, 2009

The last two nights have been awful; completely sleepless.

I have barely been able to sleep at all. It starts with what truly feels like to me cardiac pain or something wrong with my heart.  Although, I’ve been in the ER for this same thing before and the tests do not indicate a heart attack. Whatever it is, the pain get so intense that it is impossible for me to get any sleep. 

Last night I was still awake at 4:30, finally falling off to sleep, however it was only a short time before the ugly pain returned full force, causing me to wake up again at 5:30.  I sat up in bed again, rearranged pillows and drifted off to sleep again for another 2 hours. I feel like if I could just get past the pain long enouth to get some better rest, that maybe the pain would go away completely.  It’s a miserable cycle.

The night before was very similar.  It was a beautiful day here and while walking the dogs the pain started. And instead of getting relief with rest, it steadily grew worse and intensified. This is a different kind of pain than my ‘usual chest wall pain’.  That pain burns and rages in my chest wall– it actually feels hot, like hot coals have been placed inside and you can’t escape them. 

This newer, different pain is more of a deep ache, it waxes and wanes in severity; however it is mostly constant and relentless. It causes me to become very diaphoretic (AKA as sweaty–but that doesn’t sound very lady-like!!) although I haven’t decided if that is 1) just because of the pain itself or 2) a result of the cause of the pain or 3) maybe even menopausal.  I feel like I am smothering, similar to a feeling like something heavy being placed around your neck, like a heavy sandbag. It causes me to feel almost lifeless-like; I have no energy, extreme fatigue-similar to chemo fatigue, only not. And it comes on mostly late afternoon or night time and worsens with walking.  That, I believe is because my heart rate increases to over 100 while I’m up to 150 when I’m active.

Whatever it is, it is robbing me of a good night’s sleep. During these episodes, I have a feeling of doom. Like I could maybe die.  Only the doctors assure me that whatever it is, I will not die from it.  So, it only is a sleep robber which results in an exhausting day to follow. Position has some to do with it.  Although, lately, my choices have only been between feeling of smothering or feeling of chest pain.  The bad thing about this is, even sitting up in the recliner doesn’t help and walking only makes it worse.   

Two nights ago, I was able to drift off closer to 3:30 am and stay asleep until about 8:00.  I thought maybe the lack of adequate rest caused last nights episode to all that much more. (I usually require 10 hours of good sleep)

On Monday, I went for a cardiac MRI.  I’ve never had a MRI of my heart before and I still don’t know the results.  I think it would be good just to know what is causing this. I find it kinda ironic that when I felt wonderful and strong and healthy the doctors were trying to convince me that I was dying and nothing they could do would help me.  Now, I truly feel like something is wrong, very wrong, and the doctors cannot find the root of it.

I’m keeping a list of some of the not-so-helpful suggestions I’ve had so far from doctors who don’t yet know what is going on:  “Lose weight- even 10 pounds will make a difference to ‘empty nest syndrome’.”  I don’t know what this is, however, I am sure it is NOT empty nest syndrome- I see my girls often and talk to them (at least Emily, anyway) several times a day and I’m NOTthat overweight.

I do know that TONIGHT, I have to sleep.  I have it planned out already.  I am not eating, not talking on the phone, or emailing anybody after 6 pm.  I am taking a hot, relaxing bath at 8:30, followed by ambien and then off to sleep, and hopefully I won’t know anything until 7:30 the next morning.